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Blind spots in early dating often jeopardize the ability to make proper decisions by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD When involved in finding just the right relationship partner, we actively engage in the process of judging others. In judging others we must be aware of our limitations. For this essay I read an article by Kaja Perina (the editor of the magazine) in Psychology Today (January/February, 2007) entitled “Love’s Loopy Logic,” which explained the reasons why our ability to judge others is so limited — a situation in which Perina explains, “it sometimes pays to deceive ourselves.” I have borrowed some of the language and many of the observations in this essay from that article, and I have, for the most part, refrained from using quotation marks simply because of the distraction that often causes. You [the reader] will best profit from [at the very least, identify with] the observations in this essay if you can transport yourself back to the time when you were trolling for the wit, kindness, curiosity, intelligence, and “chemistry” that would allow you to make the proper decision regarding a future mate. It is often within the parameters of such a quest that an explanation for the limitations of our observations and judgments can best be understood. Perina casts both her observations and descriptions within the broad rubric of “mating intelligence,” which, she explains, is as oxymoronic as the term suggests. The key sentences in Perina’s article are, “We’ve all got blind spots about the opposite sex. And sometimes that’s for the best.” The first blind spot occurs very early in the dating experience when men are wooing by grossly exaggerating their income, commitment, and affection for the opposite sex, and, despite the outlandish hyperbole, women are accurately gauging their date’s personality. The blind spot occurs in the report of what occurred. For example, if males have a great first date it is likely they will disclose more interest in themselves by their date than females are likely to describe. Women, on the other hand, are likely to give an account that men are interested in no-strings-attached sex than is likely to be the case. Geoffrey Miller, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of New Mexico, labels these very early meetings as a “never-ending arms race of romantic skepticism and excess.” Glenn Geher, an associate professor of psychology at SUNY at New Paltz, who, with Miller, has edited a volume on mating intelligence, comes to the conclusion that women who are skeptical of men’s intentions are almost always better off than women who spend hours deconstructing the first date. For women, Geher suggests, using the rule that “men are always pigs,” will more likely result in finding honest, committed, and long-term-seeking males. A second blind spot, and one, too, that contributes significantly to the first one described above, is how males and females see the world through their own deeply skewed lenses. This has less to do with minds set in mating mode, than it has to do with everyday perceptions. Role play once again, and you are likely to see the problem. Pretend your date is both powerful and beautiful. Isn’t it likely that along with these features you imbue him or her with personal and intellectual qualities he or she is unlikely to possess? —smart, intuitive, creative, knowledgeable, gifted, and talented? In addition, in such a situation, you overestimate your own abilities [afterall, you have attracted a powerful and beautiful date!] and downgrade the importance of any skills that elude you. There is a third blind spot, too, that results from gender-related characteristics. When I describe it, you will quickly agree, I’m sure, but what this bias does is tend to obscure other possibilities. Men scan potential mates for sexiness and availability while women scavenge for clues to personality and commitment readiness. Men are not looking for intelligence, creativity, curiosity, talent, or sense of humor. If they find any of these characteristics, of course, it is simply icing on the sexy and available cake they desire. That is precisely why women are likely to be more accurate and realistic when it comes to looking for relationship partners. They look for the things that will secure the foundation of relationships and better predict longevity such as a man’s character, trustworthiness, conscientiousness, and emotional stability. Their judgment of a male’s commitment readiness may be inaccurate [males often lie about this to increase a woman’s sexiness and availability]; however, despite the static, at least females’ antennae are attuned to the proper station. The fourth blind spot is embellishment. When all goes well early in a relationship, both partners tend to embellish the other. Many call this the “infatuation stage” of dating. The positive experiences the two of you have tends to turn up the volume on the traits you love. Your date becomes the best-looking guy in his family, or the unheralded star of her office. Faby Gagn , a research consultant and visiting scholar at Wellesley College, found that 95 percent of people think their paramour is above average in appearance, intelligence, warmth, and sense of humor. There is a great deal of wisdom reflected in these observations, of course. Not only does this help confirm a mate’s knowledge that he or she has struck romantic gold, but it, too, increases their own self-esteem for having found a mate of this caliber. Gagn discovered that when partners feel their mate has such outstanding qualities they are more satisfied with their relationship and more committed to their mate. The fifth blind spot, in a sense, justifies (more than some others) the basic premise of Perina’s article, that it sometimes pays to have blind spots. Self-deception is an equal opportunity bias. She says that the kind of positive illusions illustrated in the paragraph above help us marvel at our mates, overlook irritating or noxious behaviors (especially when a relationship split jeopardizes children, finances, or status), and make exceptions for aberrant or unjustified actions, especially when it is likely to bring on the alternative: uncertainty, distrust, and fractured loyalties. Without the fifth blind spot, there is likely to be paranoia, heartache, and paralysis. Fortunately for most males and females, their goals, in the end, are overlapping. Both want stable relationships in which to raise children. Women, however, tend to want an earlier commitment than men. But when the female-male tracks converge in commitment, the early biases often fade into the background, and males and females begin to share important goals, the most important of which is preserving the relationship. back to page top Essential elements of good relationships by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD It is likely that everyone has his or her own list of the essential elements of good relationships based on his or her current situation and, perhaps, a past history of relationships as well. Such lists are useful when they offer young people entering into relationships for the first time, some guidance about what it takes to have quality, successful, long-range, satisfying, and healthy relationships. The following list contains only eight items, but there is an essential subtext in each of the elements that is designed specifically for male readers of this essay: for relationships to be successful, males may need to apply themselves more. The first element is verbal skills. Partners in good relationships must have ongoing conversations, or dialogues, about the relationships itself. Here, males need to alter their perception of relationships as stable, static commodities that never need discussion or reexamination. It is true that females begin talking earlier than males, and on most national assessment tests score well ahead of males in reading and writing. To make certain the playing field remains level, males need to apply themselves more when it comes to verbal skills. The second element is emotional expressiveness. It is female verbal skills that are responsible for their superior emotional expressiveness. Daniel Goleman, in his book on Emotional Intelligence, says, “Because girls develop language more quickly than do boys, this leads them to be more experienced at articulating their feelings and more skilled than boys at using words to explore and substitute for emotional reactions such as physical fights.” Males need to improve their ability at emotional expressiveness by discussing points of conflict when they occur. Withdrawing from or avoiding conflict is too harmful to relationships. The third essential element of good relationships is conversational focus or choosing subjects for conversation. Notoriously, males are less interested than females in talking about feelings and personal relationships. Males need to increase their focus on feelings and relationships—to not only make their feelings known, but to make other people, especially their relationship partner, know how they feel about them and about their relationship. The fourth element is nonverbal analysis or the ability to read between the lines—analyzing the nonverbal cues of the other person. Dozens of experiments confirm that women are much better than men at judging emotions based on the expression on a stranger’s face. Males need to increase their sensitivity to nonverbal cues by giving obvious visual and vocal clues that they are following what others say and are interested in them. This may include nodding their heads, smiling, establishing eye contact, and offering responsive gestures. Because men are not conditioned to be as observant in this area, they need to be especially vigilant and aware. The fifth element is conversational encouragement. Women encourage others to continue talking, using listening noises such as “um,” “hmmm,” “yes,” “that’s interesting,” “so,” “and,” and so forth. They are encouragers, and these vocalizations not only reveal they are listening and interested, but they prompt others to continue talking and to elaborate on their ideas. Shmuley Boteach, dean of the L’Chaim Society, says women “when speaking to their husbands, ...stop in midsentence because they know they are not being listened to. They feel like a piece of furniture, and this experience of being ignored is a denial of their value. Their spirit is crushed.” Men need to learn to listen without interrupting or offering advice. They need to try to understand their spouse’s perspective, open up more, show their feelings, listen better, and reveal their responses. The purpose of a conversation is not to agree with each other but to learn from each other on both an intellectual and emotional level. The sixth element is care and appreciation. Scholars agree that the approach people use most often to foster a relationship is expressing care and appreciation for the other person. Typical remarks might be, “We had such a good time last night, I would like to see you again,” or “I am so glad that we are friends”—comments designed specifically to foster and nurture connection, saying, in so many words, “I want to feel connected to you.” The second most used technique for fostering a relationship is giving compliments: “That was a funny joke you told last night,” or “You look great today.” The third technique is using self-disclosure—telling someone something about yourself that you wouldn’t tell most people: “I felt so bad when I failed the test,” or “I really like you; I just wish you had time to pay more attention to me.” The seventh element is commitment, which is a strong desire by both parties for the relationship to continue and a willingness of both parties to take responsibility for the problems that occur in the relationship. All relationships have some kind of commitment as their foundation, but sometimes the partners to the commitment have different expectations. Although commitments are important and reassuring, it is perhaps better to accept them for what they are worth, based on the trust and faith in the person making the commitment and with hope for a positive future. It is best to prepare for the fact that most commitments are conditional, and it is unlikely that all conditions will be, or even could be, revealed or even known. Of course marriage should be an unconditional commitment, but we live in a transient society where planned obsolescence, endless technological advances, and instant millionaires guarantee a rapid and regular turnover of products, information, and fortunes. Why should we expect relationships to be anything other than of short duration? Adaptation is the eighth element. If you can’t adapt and adjust your skills and behaviors to the changes that occur, as both introspection and communication will help you do, than all the tools of verbal skills, emotional expressiveness, conversational focus, nonverbal analysis, conversational encouragement, care and appreciation, and commitment are useless. Ironically, it is interesting that after years of research, it turns out that what makes for highly adaptive people is their capacity to adapt. Relationships are not fixed, stable, and unchanging entities but, rather shifting, fluctuating, fluid organisms that, because of their variations and oscillations, bring vitality, spirit, energy, and passion to the individuals involved. Sure, males need to apply themselves more, but the adjustments are minor considering the potential outcomes—highly successful, exciting, rewarding relationships that will last a lifetime. back to page top Five Reasons Why Talk Is Essential to Relationships In the eighth edition of my textbook,
Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2007), I list the importance of talk
under the heading “Essential Elements of Good Relationships.” There it is
listed as the first of eight elements (verbal skills, emotional
expressiveness, conversational focus, nonverbal analysis, conversational
encouragement, care and appreciation, commitment, and adaptation); however,
it is part of each of the other seven for without it, none of the other
seven can take place. back to page top How to bring out the best in your relationship partner by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD At the memorial service of my mother-in-law, my father-in-law mentioned in his eulogy that the two of them had been married sixty-nine and one-half years. For my wife and myself it is well over forty years. There are some essential characteristics of relationships that help ensure their endurance through the years, and the patterns or templates for these characteristics need to be set in place early. The earlier they are established as a regular, ongoing part of the operation and functioning of relationships, the more they become habitual, routine, and regularly expected. This is important so that they are not simply brought to bear in times of trouble, conflict, or emergency situations. Another important reason why they should be installed early is because of the way some men tend to think about relationships. Although it doesn’t always happen this way, many men believe that once a marriage takes place, the chase ends, the relationship is secure, and little more need be said or done. Essentially, they put relationship concerns out of their mind entirely. The first and most important characteristic for enduring relationships is self-awareness. The way I taught this in my interpersonal communication classes was that people need to get their own houses in order before inviting someone over. How you feel about a partner and how you respond to him or her is dependent upon you and your past experiences. The stronger, more secure and confident, and self-aware you are, the better your relationship chances. The second characteristic essential for enduring relationships is communication. Willingness to share what you want from your partner and from the relationship, letting one another know what your needs are, and keeping up with changing expectations, needs, and opinions requires constant communication. It doesn’t require agreement, but it does require openness, flexibility, and spontaneity — and the willingness to listen. The third characteristic is effective listening. The problem with either not listening or weak listening is that our actions then are based on assumptions which are often slightly inaccurate or just plain wrong. Partners think and act differently, and if you don’t ask clarifying questions, check out what you think your partner is saying, and keep trying to understand the other person, the likely outcome is unnecessary misunderstandings, arguments, and conflicts. There are three difficult parts to effective listening. The hardest part is not interrupting while partners are speaking. A second hard part is not focusing on what partners are saying but, instead, formulating what you want to say in response or as a rebuttal. The third difficult part is not checking out what you heard partners say before giving your response. You can check what they said with the comment, “I think you’re saying....” Another way is to say, “What I understood you to say was....” These are approaches that can help prevent misunderstandings. The fourth characteristic is conflict management. Disagreements are normal, and if they are constructively resolved, they will strengthen your relationship. Those in relationships will tell you that there will be unreasonable emotional demands, unexplored expectations, and unresolved issues. Communication and listening are keys. Conflict management is successful when you express yourself clearly, maintain complete honesty, and consider your partner’s perspective through both patience and empathy. The fifth characteristic is empathy. Often this is part of what strong communication is all about, what characterizes the “effective” portion of listening, and what must be an aspect of conflict management as well. Empathy is commonly defined as feeling or expressing emotion for another, but it goes much deeper as the ability to "put yourself into another's shoes,” or to, in some way, experience the outlook or emotions of another being within yourself, a sort of emotional resonance. Give your partner understanding and support. The deeper the empathy, the closer the relationship connection between you and your partner.. The sixth characteristic is giving. To make a relationship work, you must be ready to give to your partner. One prerequisite for effective giving is the fifth characteristic, empathy. The more effectively you can put yourself into your partner’s shoes, the easier it is to know the answer to the question, “What should I give?” One thing to give is your attention to your partner’s interests — kids, hobbies, sports, and conversation. Another area is to give them your full honesty and trust. Yet another area is to give of your time. Time with partners shows them that you do not take them for granted and that you respect both them and their beliefs. Time reveals you are happy in this partnership and by working together there will be mutual benefits. A final area where you can give is to give them your understanding and lots of caring and appreciation. The seventh characteristic is breathing room. All relationship partners need breathing room — space to be themselves, be with friends, and recess from the trials and tribulations of everyday life. I’m not suggesting that these be long lengths of time, but life is full of stressors and time to refocus, re-center, re-balance, and refresh is often helpful to introduce that breath of fresh air — rejuvenation — into a relationship. Breathing room could be a “time-out” period during a conflict or fight which could help partners avoid saying or doing hurtful things. It could help partners, too, identify what they really want before continued talking with their partner. The eighth characteristic is to always assume a win-win stance. This could be in conflict situations where you want to make certain both partners feel they gained something from the resolution of a conflict — a mutually acceptable solution. It could be in discussions where both partners feel their ideas were expressed and heard. It could be in public where neither partner feels put down, criticized, disrespected, or snubbed. Win-win means that partners feel they are equals in the relationship and both have interests, activities, and friends that differ from and are respected by the other person. If you establish these eight characteristics, it is more likely you will respect change, accept differences, express your wants and needs, respect your partner’s rights, prepare to fight fair, and do everything in your power to maintain and nourish your relationship. By following these suggestions for stability you will not only anchor your relationship to the sea bottom of security but along the way bring out the best in your relationship partner. back to page top It’s not easy hanging onto a Valentine by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD A valentine is a letter or token of affection sent to a person on St. Valentine’s Day. Often, it simply refers to a sweetheart. To have and keep a valentine—a sweetheart—as most people who have been in relationships will tell you, is not an easy task. And it is a task! That is, you must work at it. If you knew specifically what it was that holds relationships together, and you knew that it was within your control, would knowing those specifics change the way you behaved? If you knew exactly the characteristics that drove married couples together rather than toward divorce, would you make every attempt you could to achieve and nurture those characteristics? John Gottman, Ph.D., and his team of relationship researchers at the University of Washington in Seattle, have discovered the answer, and it isn’t what most people think, especially if they think what holds couples together is having similar values, interests, beliefs, and needs. Instead, it is bids and responses to bids. Bids and responses to bids are all those interactions that we often take for granted on a daily basis that form the base—the emotional connectiveness, or glue—that holds relationships together. What is a bid? It can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch—any single expression that says, “I want to feel connected to you.” A response to a bid is a positive or negative answer to somebody’s request for emotional connection. Let’s say you have a joke you want to share with a relationship partner, or you are interested in gaining some affection, or you want to contradict an opinion he or she just shared with you, or you want to complain about your job? How do you do it? To begin a conversation with another person, an emotional connection is necessary, but that connection—and the degree to which it will be available—is part of a larger context. That larger context includes the hundreds of ordinary, day-to-day exchanges of information that preceded your current bid for connection. The essential point regarding bids and responses to bids is that in successful relationships, bids for emotional connection are responded to positively. Bids from either relationship partner are neither ignored nor dismissed, whether they are simple or mundane. Often, it is the simple and mundane bids that weave the fabric that forms the backdrop for all future bids. Just think for a second about the thousands of bids that take place daily when you are seeking empathy, respect, friendly conversation, sexual intimacy, forgiveness, or just to fit in. Think about all the times you want to be recognized, feel accepted, experience affection, or feel appreciated. To be successful in any of these situations you must gain the attention of the other person—so you make a bid for his or her attention. Complex, fulfilling relationships don’t just appear out of nowhere, fully formed, well-developed, and successful. Rather, they are developed one encounter at a time, bid after bid after bid. In the first example that follows, the bid is negative; in the next one it is positive: 1. Are we going to be able to go out Friday night, as we talked about last week? You’ve got to be kidding. Weren’t you listening to me? I have so much work to do. 2. Would you get me a beer while you are up? No problem. Do you want anything else? Some chips, maybe? The point is not the content, and the point has nothing to do with timing or circumstances. The point is that a positive response to a bid typically leads to continued interaction. Negative responses to bids will shut down communication. Bids cease; relationships end. How can two people with seemingly diverse values, interests, beliefs, and needs not only remain happy, but remain together as well? If you check out their bidding process, there is no doubt you will discover an emotional connectiveness that both cements the partners and satisfies them with each other. These two people will not only show an interest in each other’s world, but they will understand how each other is feeling as well. The emotional connection rises above a similarity of values, interests, beliefs, and needs. It’s not that similarity of values, interests, beliefs, and needs isn’t important, it’s simply that emotional connectiveness is more important. What are some ways you have to encourage bids? First, focus on the people around you by noticing their bids and how you respond to them. Shift your attention from your own concerns to the concerns of others. Second, set a positive tone as you begin conversations. When bids begin negatively—“Why didn’t you just do what I told you to do, when I told you to do it?”—with blame or criticism, the outcomes are predictable. Gottman and his relationship researchers found they could predict the outcome of 15-minute conversations based on what happened in the first 3 minutes of those conversations. Watch how you begin conversations: A soft, gentle beginning is likely to establish the proper framework. Third, phrase any concerns you have as helpful complaints, not as harmful criticism. Complaints focus on specific problems; criticism is judgmental and global often accompanied by attacks on a person’s character, negative labels, and name calling. When carefully lodged, complaints help others understand one another and solve problems. There are three other ways to encourage bids. Avoid becoming physically or emotionally overwhelmed. When you experience a pounding heart, sweaty hands, or irregular and shallow breathing, take a break of at least 20 minutes. Avoid the “crabby habit of mind” of finding faults, mistakes, human weaknesses, foibles, and frailties in others. Finally, hold the conversations you need to have. Self-disclose and connect. Taking the risk of self-disclosure in trusting relationships where both partners are willing to talk about issues, express their feelings of fear, reluctance, or anxiety, brings couples closer together and moves relationships in positive directions. Wanting a sweetheart is easy; keeping a sweetheart requires hard work. back to page top Relationship compatibility = Partner versatility by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD My wife and I took a seminar some time ago that used Wilson Learning materials, and one of the conclusions after learning about various social styles and determining our own, was that one of the key predictors of relationship success was versatility or a relationship partner’s ability to change and be variable. The more rigid or inflexible a partner was, the less likely a relationship will survive. In my mind, having a marriage that has lasted more than forty years, this appeared to be common sense. I, as it turns out, am less versatile than my wife; however, she scored as extremely versatile, and it is revealed daily at a variety of different points in our relationship. What this doesn’t mean, and this needs to be pointed out, is that versatility is the single or only important ingredient. Untrue. Compatibility still counts. There are so many elements or factors that collide when two people form a relationship that it is impossible to predict which will become the demon element(s) and which will reinforce peace and harmony. That is why versatility is so important; it allows adjustment to devilish irritants. Look, briefly, at what writers on the Internet have said about compatibility and in some cases, what they selected as the most important components when it comes to relationship compatibility. When you examine the components, you will quickly see that when there is agreement on major issues, topics, or ideas, relationships are more likely to be successful. No doubt about this. Look at the comments and the components. “True compatibility doesn't have rigid lines,” writes Leon Scott Baxter, at AllExperts.com, in a response to a reader’s question under the heading, “How to strengthen your relationship,” about the meaning of compatibility. “All it means is that two people can fit well together, like pieces of a puzzle. You don't have to force the pieces to fit. You may need to use a little bit of wiggling, but really the pieces belong together. Sometimes the pieces look similar, sometimes they are totally different.” With respect to Baxter’s response, it becomes a partner’s level of versatility that determines wiggleability. Atessortment, in an essay on “Relationship: Marriage built on compatibility,” the author writes, “In a marriage you must know your own needs, plus the needs of your mate. If one is not satisfied a strain will be felt in the marriage. It is impossible to like everything your mate does, however too many different interests and tastes will weaken the bond. Those contemplating marriage need to have a two-way communication. Important matters such as whom will handle the money, where the couple will live, and what type of discipline will be used for children should be discussed prior to marriage. Couples have a tendency to wait until after marriage to talk about these matters and find themselves disagreeing.” Waiting until after marriage, too, makes exercising versatility more troublesome and difficult. At theOnline Dating Magazine, in his column, “Office hours with Dr. Jim,” Dr.James Houran, writes: “romantic partners showing strong similarity in age, political, and religious attitudes; moderate similarity in education, general intelligence, and values; and little or no similarity in personality characteristics [are more likely to have strong relationships.]” He ends his essay with the following comment, “The bottom line is that relationships are held together over time because of compatibility, not chemistry, passion, love style, sex type or dating persona. Compatibility is a psychological concept, not an inherently hard-wired and unconscious phenomenon between two people that stems from uncontrollable chemical reactions in the brain. “ Sandra Fisher writes in her essay, “Compatibility in Relationships,” at her website, Graphic Insight , that the following are important ingredients in compatibility: 1) Emotional responsiveness. 2) Physical energy. 3) Intensity of feeling. 4) Self-esteem. 5) Social attitude, and 6) Manner of handling conflict. “The way you behave in an argument reveals a great deal about your personality,” writes Fisher. “This is a big test for compatibility. If for example you regularly remain silent and introverted while your partner rants and raves — it could spell trouble for the long-term health of your relationship,” she says. Once you and your partner come as close as possible on important components of compatibility, then it depends on your versatility — your flexibility and willingness to adjust. Improving versatility reduces tension in relationships and enables people to focus efficiently on daily tasks and the work to be done. Partners who remain versatile, flexible, and nimble will benefit their relationship. This versatility helps them resolve problems — even though clear-cut answers may be impossible to find. Effective partners know how to handle uncertainty by drawing on their experience and the experience of their partner. They are able to notice and analyze important issues in complex matters, track down answers, and resolve issues in mutually compatible and satisfying ways. In an essay entitled, “Versatile Leadership,” byDr. Michael Leimbach, vice president of research and design for Wilson Learning Worldwide, concludes his essay by saying, “Employees don’t leave companies; they leave managers! . . .Versatility is the key. . . . A manager who is sensitive to the style of his or her employees, and takes steps to adjust his or her behavior to meet the needs of employees, will communicate more clearly and establish a more trusting relationship.” It is that adjustment feature that becomes important in versatility — whether in business or in relationships. A partner in a relationship is little different than a manager in this case. Versatility is the key. It is, indeed, versatility that helps partners understand each other, experience less frustration with poor and stressful communication, communicate more effectively and persuasively, and increase their relationship effectiveness. back to page top Relationship Luck Takes Hard Work Thousands of couples planned to wed on
July 7, 2007, because they believed that date would result in wedded bliss —
“lucky sevens” they thought. But, what effect does luck have on
relationships? back to page top Relationship Rules Works! |
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